Reclaim the Holidays: a childless woman’s perspective pt. 1

Written By sarah jane smith

This is the first of a few posts about how I am reclaiming the holidays this year.

We are getting a tree, even though my husband is ambivalent.

That's right; We are getting a tree because I want to.

I love the smell of the tree, the twinkly lights, the sparkly ornaments and how it brightens up our entire living room. I even love picking out the tree. In a past life (well, not actually a past life, but in my 20s, so it feels like a past life), I had a job selling Christmas trees, so I know a thing or two about how to spot a good one. Seeing them all lined up excites me; I enjoy pulling them off the rack, twirling them and finding just the right one. Wrangling the tree onto my vehicle and carefully driving home is all part of the fun for me.

My desires are worth acting on, and it is enough that the tree is mainly for me, but I didn't always feel this way.

Unfortunately, due to my husband's ambivalence and deep grief around my childlessness, we didn't get a tree for many years. I felt sad rather than joyful even at the idea of the tree as it was only for me, as there were no little ones to create the magic for and with.

During the grief years, I opted out of all the holiday celebrations I could to protect myself and not exacerbate my feelings of loss. However, I know now that I needed to let myself fully experience those feelings to understand and integrate my childless grief.

If this is how you are feeling this year, I see you. Part of reclaiming the holidays is making space to feel what you feel, not trying to cover anything up with forced joy and excitement. It is hard not to compare and want to skip the messy middle to get to the other side, but finding ways to be with your feelings, whether joyful or sad, is part of the healing process.

The right way to be with my feelings this year is to get a tree and allow myself to soak up the magic of the twinkling lights and the invigorating fresh conifer scent. I know there will be moments of sadness, but they will be countered by uncovering what genuinely brings me joy and doing what I can to amplify it.

Find inspiration to help you reclaim the holidays.

Featured
Finding Meaning as a Childless Woman
Finding Meaning as a Childless Woman

Due to our pronatalist society, there is an overwhelming message that without children, a woman's life has no purpose or meaning. I don't believe this, but I have felt this. We are unconsciously receiving and believing societal messages all the time. Unpacking, exploring and re-writing unconsciously held beliefs is a big part of integrating grief and opening up to the possibilities of a happy childless life. But where to start?

Nurturing Threads: Maintaining Filaments of Relationship to the Broader World Amid Childless Grief 
Nurturing Threads: Maintaining Filaments of Relationship to the Broader World Amid Childless Grief 

Through a relationship with the natural world, we are reminded of the impermanence of all things and that we are not spared from these cycles. For me, this gives grief a rightful place.

An Apprenticeship With Sorrow
An Apprenticeship With Sorrow

Grief isn't an emotion. It is a core human capacity - if we can turn towards sorrow and engage with it - this deepens our capacity and creates a relationship with grief.

Relationships aren't passive. To be fulfilling, they need regular attention. This relationship is where we pay attention, witness, be, and tend to our grief. With loving care and attention, the grief can soften. This attention allows us to move forward with our experiences and be curious about what is possible.

sarah jane smith
Previous

Reclaim the Holidays: a childless woman’s perspective pt.2
Next

What is Embodiment and How Can it Help Childless Women?