How to Respond to Intrusive Questions as a Childless Woman
I love to sing, and in what feels like a past life, I studied Jazz music and completed a performance degree in Jazz studies. I have sung in many choirs, was in a great band for ten years and, most recently, sang in an acapella group with two dear friends.
Covid, my dad's death and other catastrophic events of the past three years put a (temporary) stop to my singing with other people. I have been ready to start singing again with others, but until recently, the opportunity wasn't there. I have now joined a fun community choir, and we are meeting for the first time this evening.
Even though I accept my childless life, the prospect of being in a large group of women brings up some feelings. I know there will be inevitable questions and conversations about kids. There might even be some children and babies at the rehearsal.
I have prepared myself for this by spending time with my feelings and reviewing my best answers to the 'do you have kid's questions.' As an introvert who lives on a small island and works from home, I don't usually meet new people, so I have spent some time today preparing to be with others!
Having pre-thought-out responses to common questions is most helpful.
Of course, I can only prepare for some questions, but I can decide beforehand what and how I want to share. Knowing what I will say helps me stay grounded and feel in control. I even practice saying my responses out loud so they are easily recalled when needed.
This might seem odd, but it has made an enormous difference. I don't feel caught off guard or deeply triggered by someone asking questions about having kids.
During acute grief of childlessness, I was caught off guard and triggered by the kid's question, which was awful.
I felt I had to explain why I didn't have kids. Unfortunately, I usually gave too much information, which invited more questions I didn't want to answer. I felt exposed, raw and cornered. I wanted to say 'no' and walk away, but I couldn't. It felt too confrontational. I felt that 'No' wasn't a good enough answer as it didn't communicate the depths of my feelings.
I feel differently now. I no longer feel that I have to justify or explain myself. My childlessness is the least interesting thing about me, and I would rather discuss other aspects of my life experience with a relative stranger. My childlessness has vastly informed who I am and what I do in the world, but it doesn't define me.
I am now confident saying 'No,' and I am prepared for the often insensitive comments that come after.
You know the ones:
you can have mine
they are more trouble than they are worth
lucky you
To this, I say something like:
"It sounds like your experience of being a parent is hard. I would like to have had that experience, but it didn't happen. So let's talk about something else. What book are you reading at the moment?"
With the above answer, both experiences are validated, and I explicitly request to move on to another topic. I take control of the situation and steer the conversation away from kids and towards something I feel comfortable discussing.
How I answer intrusive questions depends on the person, relationship, and setting. The above example might not be (but it might be!) the best way to answer a family member you will see at each family event.
Figuring out your responses to different people in different settings is a boundary-setting and enforcing practice I highly recommend putting some time into.
Journaling Practice
Consider a real-life scenario where intrusive questions have been asked.
Write it out, including who the person was, your relationship and the setting.
How did you feel?
What did you say in response?
How do you want to feel when answering these questions from this person in this setting?
What is your best response? What do you want to say next time a similar scenario arises?
Practice saying it out loud.
Repeat this journaling practice for a few other scenarios, and you will have an arsenal of responses that have you feeling empowered and in control.
What are some responses you came up with during the journaling practice?
Send me an email; I'd love to hear them.
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Enjoyed this article? Want more like this delivered to your inbox once a week-ish? Visit here
