How to Feel Belonging When You Are Childless Not By Choice
Belonging is coming home to yourself and your body.
For the past ten years, my life has felt like one experience and situation after the next that is beyond my control. To be clear, I have made many choices and am privileged enough to have a certain amount of agency, yet there are so many happenings that I would never have chosen.
Within the past few years, I have learned that acceptance of myself and the situations I find myself in is within my control.
I will be 48 this year, and while I have known about self-acceptance and self-love for a long time, it has been a big struggle to feel this. Being childless, not by choice, plays a big part as, for many years, I resented my body and desperately wanted my situation to be different.
And even though I'm closer than I've ever been in the past, I feel self-acceptance and a feeling of belonging is an ongoing daily awareness and practice.
The practice of self-compassion, particularly embodied self-compassion, has been the key to accessing acceptance within myself.
What is embodied self-compassion?
It is easiest to explain in parts. The first part is embodiment, and the second is self-compassion.
What is embodiment?
Simply put, it means coming home to your body.
For those of us whose path to childlessness has involved:
miscarriage,
an inability to conceive,
infertility due to medical conditions or a disability,
failed fertility treatments.
There is often resentment that our bodies have let us down, which isn't something we can trust.
I have also spoken with many women who haven't had a chance to conceive and heard them talk of disconnection and loss that inhabits their bodies subtly yet profoundly.
In the bigger picture, being a woman in the Western world has us feeling shameful and disconnected from our bodies.
Taking all of this into account, it is no wonder we aren't accepting of ourselves and our bodies and don't feel safe in our bodies and don't see them as a place to come home to. In my experience, reconnecting and befriending my body has become necessary for healing, acceptance and belonging.
Why would I want to befriend my body?
What good will it do me on the path to acceptance?
Our bodies give us an incredible amount of information about the world, about others and ourselves all the time, and if we cultivate a practice of tuning into this information, it can help;
identify our values and what is important to us;
find our place in the world,
make decisions that align with our values,
cultivate self-confidence,
feel a sense of agency, like we have choices,
build trust in ourselves and others.
All of these are necessary to feel confident, accepted, and like we belong in the world.
So how do I start?
The first step is to recognize that you have a body by tuning in to it.
Without changing anything, notice how you are sitting as you read this.
What parts of your body are touching the chair?
Do you tend to hold your belly in or clench your jaw?
What sensations are present?
Do you feel a sense of heat rising or a heavy, grounded feeling?
What feedback is your body giving you about this information you are hearing?
Do you feel constricted anywhere, or is there a sense of relief?
This noticing is the beginning of becoming more embodied.
So that is the abbreviated explanation of the vibrant topic of embodiment. Hopefully, you have a clearer understanding of what it means.
Self-Compassion
Now to the second part, self-compassion. Self-compassion researcher author and practitioner Doctor Kristen Neff says that "self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings."
We do not use self-compassion to cover over or push feelings of pain and suffering; instead, we meet the parts of ourselves in pain with kindness and gentle curiosity.
Self-compassion has three core elements:
Self-kindness
This element looks at the inner narrative we have running. Instead of being critical and harsh with ourselves, we extend the same level of kindness we would to a friend experiencing what we are.
Shared humanity
This element speaks to the interconnectedness of us all. All humans suffer and experience hardship. We tend to forget this and feel alone in our experiences and suffering. Remembering that so many other women struggle in the same way we do on the journey to childlessness can bring in the sense of connection with others and help move us out of isolation.
Mindfulness
Is the awareness to 'be' with our present moment experience. To acknowledge what it is we are feeling and carrying. We all feel big emotions but might shy away from taking the time to parse the feelings. When you are upset, you can feel anger, sadness, frustration, numbness, regret, jealousy, etc. Taking the time to be with the feelings helps us unravel them and gives us time to direct kindness to those parts of ourselves that feel that way.
Conversely, mindfulness can help us from overidentifying with our experiences. It helps keep perspective and notice when thoughts such as 'I am disappointed' turn into 'I am a disappointment,' when 'I feel a sense of unworthiness' turns into 'I am unworthy.'
Mindfulness is the starting place, the first skill we need to respond to ourselves with kindness and acceptance.
Self-Compassion Myths
There are some myths about self-compassion that can be obstacles to getting started. I want to dispel these, but first, take a breath and notice:
What is your initial reaction to the idea of practicing self-compassion?
Notice how you are sitting?
Are you leaning forwards or back?
Do you notice tension in your body?
What feedback is your body giving you?
Whatever you are feeling, try and meet yourself with kindness. You are already practicing embodied self-compassion.
Three Myths About Practicing Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is self-pity - with one of the elements of self-compassion being 'shared humanity,' the opposite is true. Part of the practice is acknowledging that others suffer in this way too. When self-compassionate, we will likely gain perspective and not over-identify with our feelings.
Self-compassion will make me too soft and vulnerable - while the feelings are tender, the approach is unwavering and fierce. This practice helps build inner strength and resilience that helps us get through hard times.
Self-compassion is self-indulgent and will make me lazy - People who practice self-compassion tend to take better care of themselves and have an overall greater sense of well-being. They move away from criticism as a motivator and are inspired to do things that increase their health and well-being. They are also more likely to extend compassion to others as they are familiar with the positive effects in their lives.
So what is embodied self-compassion, and how can it help childless women?
Here is my working definition:
Coming home to your body and meeting your whole self with fierce kindness, gentle curiosity and deep respect.
This practice helps childless women
build a connection with themselves and their bodies,
increase self-confidence,
develop trust,
integrate grief,
create a sense of safety in their bodies,
cultivate kindness towards themselves,
give themselves what they need,
Settle into who they are with integrity,
Create and maintain healthy boundaries.
And in turn, when we create space to do this work for ourselves, it spills over into having the capacity to do the same for others, and we can meet the world with authentic self-assurance and make a difference in the lives of our friends, loved ones and community.
When we invite ourselves into belonging, we create safety and acceptance for ourselves and others.
How can you bring more mindfulness into your days and notice opportunities to be kind to yourself?
Check out this free self-paced course on Self-Compassion for Childless not by Choice Women, to get you started.
