Healing The Relationship With My Body As A Childess Woman After Pregnancy Loss
I had the pleasure of speaking with Jennifer Senn of the Navigating Baby Loss podcast about the importance of healing the relationship with my body as a childless, not by choice woman.
You can listen to the episode here or read the full transcript below.
Sarah Jane Smith 0:21 I really felt that healing my relationship with my body was a huge piece that I was just missing. I hadn't really realized it. And I realized that it wasn't really talked about in any of the support or the literature around pregnancy loss and being childless, not by choice.
Jennifer Senn 1:35 I'm Jennifer Senn, a certified life coach, married mama of two sons, twin Angel babies and a rainbow baby. And this is the Navigating baby loss podcast. I am on a mission to help stop the isolation, shame and lack of self confidence that often comes with stillbirth loss, and to show you that you still deserve to live the life you've dreamed up. Pull up a cozy seat for a cup of coffee and prepare to hang out with a caring friend who has been through it and can show you the way this is episode number 32 of the Navigating baby loss podcast and today I'm talking to Sarah Jane Smith from embodied possibility. Sarah has suffered several miscarriages before she had the decision made for her medically to remain childless. So she studied trauma informed yoga and became a health coach. She works primarily with childless not by choice women, but she teaches all women how to create a new relationship with their body and nurture self compassion and even uncover joy when you feel like your body has let you down or betrayed you. She specializes in embodiment in yoga that can be done from the comfort of your own home with her online classes. And she supports women through journal practices, meditation, a course and one on one coaching. Check the show notes to get the link to visit her website where she has some sample journaling, meditation and sample yoga practices for you to try out. welcome Sarah Jane Smith. Welcome back to the Navigating baby loss Podcast. I'm Jennifer Senn, your host and today I am excited to introduce you to my guest Sarah Jane Smith. And she is from Embodied possibility. So welcome Sarah Jane, I'm so happy that you're here with us today. Yeah,
Sarah Jane Smith 3:32 Thank you. lovely to be here.
Jennifer Senn 3:34 Can you just tell us a little bit about what it is that you do to help grieving mamas and how you got started in this?
Sarah Jane Smith 3:44 Well, I'm an embodiment teacher and coach, and I primarily help women who are childless, not by choice, integrate grief, and open up to the possibilities that life still holds, even though it looks different than we thought or we hoped that it looked. And I got started in this work through a combination of my own experience with multiple pregnancy loss, as well as being a longtime yoga teacher.
Jennifer Senn 4:16 So you did experience your own loss, and what was it that you learned from that loss that you knew you needed healing on?
Sarah Jane Smith 4:36 Yeah, that's an interesting question, isn't it? What you learn along the way, it's not a linear path, you know, the path with grief is a big, jumbled mess. And so different ideas of what I needed came at different times. In the early days of the first losses, it was just kind of getting through the day to day, you know, and over the many years since my first loss happened about 11 years ago, and since then we've had more losses, large timeframe of unexplained infertility, and then a chronic illness that led to a hysterectomy. So that was the end of my journey to having children. And it was after having a hysterectomy. And a couple of years after that, that I rfelt that healing my relationship with my body was a huge piece I was just missing, I hadn't really realized it. And I realized that it wasn't really talked about in any of the support or the literature around pregnancy loss and being childless, not by choice.
Jennifer Senn 5:59 Hmm, oh, my gosh, childless, not by choice can be, you know, for a time or forever. And in your case, it was sounds like it was decided for you because of your health situation. And I agree, that definitely is not talked about at all. And I think that that's what I find that many women have so much trouble with is the forgiveness of their body.
Sarah Jane Smith 6:32 Absolutely, you know, in our Western culture, women's bodies, there's a whole host of shoulds around what women look like. And it's only acceptable in this form, that that we already have going on in the background? And then when you add on infertility issues, and pregnancy loss to to that, and chronic illness, it's a lot to tackle.
Jennifer Senn 7:08 Yeah, it sure is, what were the first steps that you learn to take and forgiving your body and making that healing?
Sarah Jane Smith 7:21 Many years ago, I took part in a trauma informed yoga teacher training. And the the three foundations of trauma informed yoga are, the first one is recognizing that you have a body, befriending your body, and then using your body as a resource. So I really started at level one, recognizing that I had a body, which sounds kind of funny to say, you know, that I forgot, or became, so disassociated from it, that I needed to remember that, oh, yes, I have a body. But especially in grief. My experience of grief is I felt like I was a mind and a heart just sort of like scrambling around the world that my body didn't really come into it. And also because of the the pregnancy loss happening in my body it felt like it was something that couldn't be trusted. And so that disassociation was a form of coping on the day to day, and because I felt like my body had let me down. So it was really that training that sort of woke me up to, to that idea of like, oh, yeah, I have a body. And I started to work with reconnecting with my body with very simple things like remembering what it is to be hungry or thirsty. Again, that might sound really very simple. But for myself, I realized when that was pointed out, like, can you tell the difference between hunger and thirst? Actually no, I can't. And most of the time, I realized that when I thought that I was hungry, and maybe I was but I'm also actually thirsty. So really, on a basic day to day level, tuning into the body, and figuring out what do you need. And then from there from I started working in my physical yoga practice with these foundations of trauma informed practice, befriending my body. So a lot of times, yoga in our culture is seen only as an exercise. And there's lots of different kinds of yoga that you can do. But your average studio yoga class sort of presents it as only a form of exercise. And these other things are sort of over on the side. But the main goal is to either stretch or strengthen, right? But a movement practice, those aspects might be happening, the stretching and the strengthening just by moving. But that doesn't have to be the main focus. So if you move in a way where the main focus is befriending your body, you're having this experience with yourself relearning, like, well, what does it actually feel like to lift my arms up? I may have a shoulder injury, so on one side, lifting my arm up, it only goes halfway, and that is the most friendly way I can be towards myself and towards my body at this time. So it was through that, that process of integrating those aspects of trauma informed yoga that I started to work on healing the relationship with my body,
Jennifer Senn 11:05 It feels like that would be so incredibly helpful for loss Mama's because I think there are times that we punish our body. Sometimes in like you said, you know your mind and your heart, but you just forget about the body because you don't even want to be in it sometimes, because you're so angry with what it's done. And maybe you're punishing it even. So to reconnect in that way. And get to know it and appreciate it would be so incredibly healing all the way around.
Sarah Jane Smith 11:50 There's so much information in the fertility sector, about being a certain weight, eating a certain diet, following all of things, which may or may not work at all. If you eat this way, then you're going to solve your fertility problems. Or if you do this, then it's miraculously going to change. And it's really not true. And I find that quite damaging, because it adds to this sense of shame, and I'm not doing enough and my body isn't good enough. I'm not good enough, which gets in the way of any kind of healing.
Jennifer Senn 12:51 Yeah. And being kind to yourself and listening to your body and learning the signals, your body's telling you would probably be more effective. If you wanted to get pregnant again, or, you know, just heal that relationship with your body anyways.
Sarah Jane Smith 13:13 Absolutely.
Jennifer Senn 13:14 So how can life still be beautiful even though you're childless not by choice?
Sarah Jane Smith 13:24 Good question. Yeah. Glad you asked. Because they have this idea that that's the worst possible outcome. Along the way, there were times when I've definitely felt like that. But I'm here to tell you that it's not as bad and as not as terrible, as you might think. And so, if your journey leads you to being childless, not by choice, there's a whole world of possibility. It's just not one that we really see reflected around us and especially if we are on a journey to wanting to have a child, we're focused on that. And then we see that around us. So just like any other experience in life, when you orient to it, you can see the possibility and the joy. There's so many different types of freedom and joy that you can access without children. So you could think about the possibility of maybe a bit more financial freedom, maybe as more freedom to travel and work in different places. And to design a life that isn't around children. When you think of your best day off to yourself kind, your whole life could look that way. Yeah. And it doesn't mean that you won't have children and family and lots of rich relationships in your life. You have to work at it just as you would if you had children, or there's this idea that it's very separate, but it's really not.
Jennifer Senn 15:35 I love that it's not just oh, I feel bad for her. But you bring this whole new world of possibility that once you either make the decision or are forced to have that be the decision that you can create a whole new fulfilling life just in a different way?
Sarah Jane Smith 15:56 Absolutely.
Jennifer Senn 15:57 How can connecting to your body help you heal? I know we talked about that a little bit already. You're so good about talking about how your body carries you into the world. So you're talking about all these new possibilities? And how you know, with your body carrying you into this world? How is the best way to stay connected? Whether you have a child, or are pregnant or not.
Sarah Jane Smith 16:26 There's a few different questions in there. So the last one about how to stay connected. But first, you have to make the connection to begin with, right. And so when you're approaching anything new, it's setting aside the time. Well, first of all comes the awareness that might be helpful, or something that you're interested in. So the awareness, setting aside the time, and often finding the right guide, or the right teacher to help you in the process. And then in terms of how do I stay connected? It's being aware of when I'm starting to feel disconnected, setting aside the time for me, it's a movement practice, as well as journaling. Because we can talk, we can think, but when we write it's actually a somatic embodied practice, but you're doing something with your body by writing. I write with pen and paper because then it's more tactile than typing on a screen. It accesses a different part of my consciousness. And different things come out, that I didn't even realize that I was thinking or holding or that old belief that I thought I had moved beyond comes up again, that kind of thing really works for me. And then you asked another question, or alluded to, at the beginning about your body carrying you through the world. And so as you pose it, why would you spend the time healing your relationship with your body? Your body is how you encounter the world. And so being connected with your body and being connected with your senses, is a way that you can invite joy, and amplify your experience of the world. And what gets in the way of that is if we have unresolved grief, we're and that we're pushing off to the side. And so when we have this, this practice of pushing emotions off to the side, it doesn't really discern between good emotions or bad emotions. If we're pushing stuff to the side, we're pushing everything to the side and therefore limiting our capacity to access the full range of emotions. So if we're pushing grief and sadness off to the side, and we're also limiting our capacity to feel joy, happiness and excitement.
Jennifer Senn 19:40 Yes, because I love the visual of your body carrying you, it is what carries you into experiencing the world in your life. So definitely healing that relationship and you know, connecting with your body, it will enhance those experiences.
Sarah Jane Smith 20:05 Absolutely, yeah. And spending the time healing your relationship with your body builds your self confidence, your self awareness and your self trust. And when you step into the world with those parts of yourself amplified, then you can be more open to meeting the possibilities that life presents you.
Jennifer Senn 20:29 And so embodiment yoga, how is that different than I mean, we talked a minute about it, but just in comparison to the the yoga class at the gym down the street.
Sarah Jane Smith 20:44 Mm hmm. So, embodiment means coming home to your body. And so the idea with a yoga practice that has that, at the center, is very different than something that has strengthening or sweating at center of it, right. So, what comes to mind, when you think coming home? You probably don't think, Okay, I'm gonna pull on this tight nylon clothing and go sweat my butt off, right? That's probably not what you think when you think coming home to your body.
So that helps foster and cultivate that sensation that when you are with your body being with your body, that you have that same comfort and sense of safety as you would at home.
Jennifer Senn 21:49 Like wrapped up in a warm blanket?
Sarah Jane Smith 21:53 Exactly. And making it good for yourself. Yeah, so in classes that I lead they're mainly online, some people have their camera off, which is totally fine. It's not the type of yoga where I'm going to be making corrections on what different people are doing. The tpostures are based on simple foundational postures of yoga, but then there's a lot of freedom to make your own decisions. So an instruction might be raise your arms to a height that works with your shoulders. When I look around the screen, I see people doing all kinds of different things that worked for them on that day. And so it built into that is choice. And with pregnancy loss, I didn't have a choice. So this sense of agency, this sense of self determination, and self confidence was really impacted. And so having choice, cultivating agency has also helped heal my relationship with my body. So that's why it's really important in these classes, that there is this element of choice, that people aren't just shutting off and following instructions. They're an active participant in what's going on moment by moment.
Jennifer Senn 23:30 Isn't it so amazing? How you can connect with people in the comfort of their own home, and walk them through what you take them through. It's such a gift that technology affords us, right? And it's
Sarah Jane Smith 23:46 True, and the piece of people being in their own home is another really important part. Because we want to be able to cultivate this sense of self and activate these aspects of yourself in your own environment. You know, for years and years, I taught classes to general populations, all kinds of yoga to all kinds of people in the studio. And I heard so many times, like, Oh, I wish I could do this at home, but I just can't like get into it or like the mind frame isn't there or you know, that kind of thing. And so I feel like there's a big disconnect about the aspects that of themselves that people connect to during yoga in a studio, then they're missing that, taking it out of the studio. So this where people are accessing those aspects of themselves in their home. It just amplifies it because they are in their home and they can carry it with them. They know they can access it right where they are most of the time,
Jennifer Senn 24:56 And so it allows people the kind of privacy even though they are on a screen, but either they can be as private or as involved in the community as they would like. And I think that kind of leads us into allowing them to do their healing in their own timeline. Absolutely. Because that is something that I think loss loss mothers struggle with terribly is the rush to get back to normal. Everyone is expecting us to just be back to our normal selves. And in there is no timeline it is it's forever.
Sarah Jane Smith 25:56 Absolutely, it is forever. Yeah. And even if you experience a loss, and then you end up having a child, there still is that loss. One doesn'tcover or cancel the othet out. No, not at all. I feel we're grief phobic culture, and the only time that anyone's allowed to feel grief is for three days after a death. And then you're supposed to get back to it and, and carry on. But it's unrealistic and very unfair. So yeah, giving, giving yourself the time and space that you need for as long as you need and knowing that it will always be a part. Like, it's always a part of me, my first loss was 11 years ago, but it's still a part of me, I have a different relationship with it now. And my day to day feelings towards that loss are different, but it changed who I am.
Jennifer Senn 27:15 In a very giving positive way. Would you agree?
Sarah Jane Smith 27:20 Eventually,
Jennifer Senn 27:21 yes, I think I get one, as I think it shows us an appreciation of life that you may not have had otherwise. And I'm guessing that because of that, that's why you do this beautiful work that you do is because you care so much about people and in their well being in relationship to their body going into the world. Mm hmm.
Sarah Jane Smith 27:50 Yeah, it is grown out of my own personal experience. And what Ididn't see around me that I felt like I needed for support. I do believe that the loss has made me a more compassionate person, more empathetic, but also more self compassionate. And a big part of self compassion is learning to give ourselves what we need. And so that is foundational to my approach is helping people discover what they need, and having the the resources and the capacity to give it to themselves.
Jennifer Senn 28:36 What would you say is a great first step to someone who is recently experiencing a loss just is really angry with their body, they don't even know what they need. They don't want to be compassionate to themselves, what would be a great first step for them?
Sarah Jane Smith 28:54 I would say finding somebody to talk to who understands. Yeah. And finding that might be painful, because often, in my experience, the people who I thought might be most understanding and able to offer compassion weren't. So it's really helped to go outside my immediate friends and family and look more towards support groups or other women that you might not even know who have experienced what you have experienced.
Jennifer Senn That's such a great point because the people who loves you the most truly may not be the right person to help you through because they just can't see. They can't see You past their love for you and to see what's actually it is that you're needing. So that's, that's a really great point to find someone who has walked in that can help you. How can people connect with you and find out what you do and how it is that you can help?
Sarah Jane Smith You can find me at embodiedpossibility.com
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————--
Enjoyed this article? Want more like this delivered to your inbox once a week-ish? Visit here
