Childless Grief: Seven Ways to Heal
The paths to healing childless grief are numerous and non-linear
The heartbreak that comes with childlessness is vast. At times it feels impossible to live with and that it will always feel this way. I understand these feelings. I also know that a life without the children I wanted can be happy, fulfilling and purposeful.
Here are seven ways to heal childless grief and open up to the possibilities of life.
Accept Your Childless Grief
It's like Nora McInerny says in her famous Ted Talk: 'We don't move on from grief. We move forward with it'. In her video, She wasn't talking specifically about childless grief, but this applies to healing all grief. The effects of not being able to have a child, if you wanted one, are far-reaching, and you can feel them in many areas of your life. For example, your journey to childlessness might have involved a miscarriage, which isn’t generally accepted by society as a loss. I say 'generally' because I think a miscarriage at any stage needs to be wholly recognized as a loss, but more often than not, they aren't recognized because they are so common.
Maybe your journey to childlessness involved never conceiving or having the chance to conceive. However, you still have suffered a loss and need to grieve.
Any childless not-by-choice woman has lost the chance to be a mother, to make her parents grandparents, to create a family that includes children, to live out her life as she imagined it, and so much more. But unfortunately, these losses aren't recognized by society, creating ambiguous and disenfranchised grief.
Ambiguous grief results from a loss that doesn't have a clear conclusion or closure, such as unexplained infertility or not finding a suitable partner. Disenfranchised grief is grief that goes unvalidated or doesn't follow societal norms. A few examples are the grief of feeling like you don't belong because you don't have a child, the grief of knowing you will never watch your child graduate from any school or the grief of missing out on what you see most everyone else around you doing.
This is the grief of childlessness. It won't ever entirely disappear, but if it is given attention over time, you can move forward with it. What losses are you grieving that deserve to be recognized?
Make Space for Your Childless Grief
No one else will make space for your grief if you don't. It will not go away if unfaced; it will come out in confusing ways. Creating space for your grief can look many different ways. It can be journaling about how you feel; it can be taking time to feel what you feel without shutting it down; it can be done alone or in a group.
Create and Maintain Boundaries
You do not owe anyone an explanation of why you don't have children. People will ask, but you get to choose how you respond. Your response will differ depending on who is asking, your relationship, and your setting. Take some time to think of a few scenarios where people have asked you about having children and craft some responses that feel safe and appropriate.
You do not have to go to events such as children's birthday parties, baby showers or other kid-centric happenings if it brings you more pain than joy. You can politely decline any invitation and give as much or as little explanation as you like. If sending a gift in your absence feels good, do that. If the thought of shopping for a gift for a child or baby feels terrible, get a non-child-related gift for the parents or mother. Or don't send a gift at all. If you feel like the person who invited you has the capacity to hear your reasons for not participating at this time, let them know; otherwise, it is perfectly acceptable to let them know you aren't able to come without any more explanation than that.
Surround Yourself with People who Understand
This can be in person or online. This can be supportive friends and family who know your story and can be there for you whether they have children or not. In addition, there is an incredible amount of support in the form of free Facebook groups. For example, I am part of the admin team for the 'Childless By Circumstance, Not By Choice' Facebook group. We are 3000+ women who know the struggle and pain of involuntary childlessness and offer empathetic and compassionate support.
Paid online communities such as the Childless Collective offer support and resources. The founder of the Childless Collective hosts a free online summit each year that gathers leading voices in the childless world.
World Childless Week happens each September. Join free webinars, enter giveaways and read submissions from fellow childless people.
Get Professional Help
Talking with a counsellor, therapist, psychologist, or coach can benefit greatly. These trained professionals work with you to integrate and explore the vast array of feelings and implications that childlessness creates. Choosing the right type of support is vital as each of the professionals I listed above can provide different support. Knowing that your chosen professional understands childlessness and disenfranchised grief is also essential. Please use free new client consultations to ask about their understanding and experience supporting childless women.
Reconnect With Yourself
It is easy to get lost on the way to childlessness. Other aspects of myself and my interests became buried during my infertility journey. My sole focus was expanding my family by having a baby and becoming a mother. Plans that weren't focused on having a baby were put on hold; all my energy and focus were on this one aspect of my life. When I resurfaced after having a hysterectomy, it took quite a while to figure out who I was, what interests me, and what I enjoyed.
Letting go of the identity of a 'mother' or 'future mother' is hard. We hold many identities throughout our lifetimes and can have numerous identities simultaneously. For example, I am a sister, a daughter, a wife, a childless stepmother, an entrepreneur, a friend, a musician, a writer, a dog mum, an embodiment teacher, a coach, a business partner, a nature lover, a vegetarian, an islander, and more.
For many years I focused the majority of my effort on the identity of being a 'mother' or 'future mother.' As a result, I was disconnected from the other aspects of myself that I listed above. Having practiced and taught yoga, meditation and writing for many years, these familiar tools were, and still are, my go-to for reconnection to myself and my many identities.
What identities do you lead with?
How can you rekindle the spark of who you are beyond wanting to be a mother?
Grab a pen and paper, set a five-minute timer, write freely and see what comes up.
Explore Possibility
Some folks call this part of the journey figuring out your 'Plan B.' Plan B feels disempowering to me like my life now is a consolation prize. But, while it doesn't look like I thought it would, life doesn't have to be and feel second-rate.
What is possible now that children won't be part of your family?
What do you like to do?
Who do you want to do it with?
These can be challenging questions to answer, and it all takes time, but you will get there if you tackle the first six tips in this article. A coach or counsellor can be a helpful guide and cheerleader in opening up to life's possibilities.
Where ever you are in your childless journey, you are not alone. Others have walked this path before you and can give you the support and guidance you need to heal your childless grief.
I invite you to book a free 60-minute call with me to help you gain clarity on the next steps in your childless journey.
