Living a Childless Life: How to Recognize Glimmers of Safety
You are undoubtedly familiar with the words and concept of 'being triggered.' It refers to a cue or event that precipitates difficult emotions.
Conversely, glimmers are still a cue, but they help bring you back into feelings of safety and happiness. Deb Dana, a licensed clinical social worker, introduced the term glimmer in her 2015 book, The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation.
Recognizing and identifying glimmers can make the childless, not by choice, journey less daunting and more manageable. Glimmers come in different forms, and it's essential to acknowledge and appreciate these moments of safety, as they can provide a sense of grounding and joy. In this article, I will explore different ways to recognize and embrace glimmers in your childless life, ultimately leading to a more grounded and meaningful journey.
Nervous System 101
Before delving into glimmers, it's essential to understand the nervous system and how it works. The nervous system consists of two main parts: the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic nervous system is responsible for the body's fight or flight response, which is activated in response to danger or stress. On the other hand, the parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for the body's rest and digest response. Recognizing which nervous system is activated when we experience different emotions is crucial.
When we experience triggers, our sympathetic nervous system is activated, causing us to feel anxious, angry, scared, or overwhelmed. In contrast, when we experience glimmers, our parasympathetic nervous system is activated, promoting feelings of safety and happiness. Understanding the nervous system's role in our emotions can help us better recognize and appreciate our glimmers.
Acknowledge Your Emotions and Learn Your Triggers.
Identifying and understanding the emotions you experience when you are triggered is essential. When you experience triggers, you tend to feel overwhelmed (with anger or sadness) and anxious, making it challenging to identify what exactly caused the trigger. However, taking the time to reflect on your emotions and identify the trigger can help you better manage and understand your feelings.
It's also crucial to understand that triggers can come in different forms. It can be a place, a person, a situation, or even a thought that causes you to feel a particular emotion. Learning your triggers can help you discern whether to avoid situations that may trigger complicated feelings. You cannot anticipate and account for all triggering situations. However, if you have taken time to recognize what triggers you and the underlying reasons for the big feelings, it is easier to soothe yourself and find nervous system regulation. Glimmers can help you with this.
Discover Your Glimmers
Discovering your glimmers is a journey that requires patience and self-awareness. It can be helpful to practice a grounding exercise, such as feeling your seat and your feet while taking a few deep breaths when trying to discover your glimmers. These few deep breaths will start down-regulating the nervous system, activating feelings of safety. In this state, you can recognize and move towards other thoughts or ideas that promote safety and happiness. It is a self-feeding cycle.
How do you know what a glimmer feels like?
Consider a situation or time when you felt happy, at ease and safe. What do you feel in your body? Perhaps, a warm cozy feeling, the sensation of being accepted and at ease. This is what a glimmer feels like. Other examples are the feelings you get when you:
Pet an animal,
See a rainbow,
See a shooting star,
Receive a smile from a stranger,
Smell your favourite flower or any smell that you love.
Glimmers can come in different forms, and it's essential to acknowledge and appreciate these moments of safety and happiness.
Ways to Identify and Amplify Glimmers
The Power of Gratitude
Practicing gratitude can help you recognize your glimmers. When you focus on what you are grateful for, you shift your attention towards things that will help down-regulate your nervous system and help you feel more happiness and joy. It can be as simple as appreciating a beautiful sunset or expressing gratitude for a supportive friend. When you recognize good things, however small, it increases your capacity to feel good feelings. You aren't looking to cover over or dismiss your grief with gratitude. The intention is to grow your ability to hold all your emotions.
Engage in Activities That Bring You Joy
Engaging in activities that bring you joy can help you recognize your glimmers. It can be anything from reading a book, walking, or cooking a meal. Engaging in activities that bring you joy activates your parasympathetic nervous system, promoting feelings of safety and happiness. It's essential to take the time to explore different activities and find what brings you joy. I know it can be hard to feel happy while in the depths of grief, but discovering what brings small doses of happiness will help soothe big feelings and integrate your childless grief.
Think of a loved one (human or animal) or a place you love to be.
As you picture this beloved being or place, what do you feel, and where do you feel it? Focus on those feelings and the area in your body where the feelings emanate from. Let in a little bit more of those feelings, as if you were turning up the volume on a radio.
Did you feel it increase?
Playing with your ability to tap into your glimmers and amplify your good feelings increases your capacity to feel good things.
Learn to Live with Your Triggers and Glimmers
Navigating a childless, not-by-choice life is a challenging and emotional journey. However, identifying and actively amplifying your glimmers can make the journey less daunting and more manageable. Glimmers come in different forms, and it's essential to acknowledge and appreciate these moments of safety and happiness. It's also crucial to learn your triggers and manage your emotions. Learning to live with your triggers and glimmers is a journey that requires patience and self-awareness, but ultimately, it can lead to a more fulfilling and meaningful life. There is no right or wrong way to navigate this path, and finding what works best for you is essential.
